The Book Didn't Prepare Me for This
by ravennerding
Summary: This is a reupload because apparently the old file corrupted and the text was hard to read- Raven had always experienced emotions through the books she read, but after Trigon's defeat she starts to be able to experience and share them with her friends. What happens when certain feelings she only read about develop between her and the tower's other resident bird? Robrae fic
1. Chapter 1

Raven had always taken solace in reading.

Even as a child on Azarath, when the monks' lectures became too boring or the judgmental whispers of citizens became too loud for her to ignore Raven often curled into her own world of literature. Her taste for books has expanded since coming to Earth; on Azarath all they had were spellbooks full of archaic symbols and while they did their due in instructing young magi like herself they certainly weren't what she - or anyone - would call _leisure reading_. Earth however, had a literary canon that reached back centuries, and the prospect of new material elated Raven in a way that she of course couldn't very well express.

The one drawback of human literature is that it played to the emotions much more than any spellbook. Indeed, on Earth that was one of the marks of a great writer and thus great book- making the reader feel. Raven had been trained since childhood to ignore any and all type of emotion, a safeguard against her father and demonic powers that was understood by Raven herself to be practical at the time. However, as Raven read more and more on Earth she came to understand a few things about emotions; and more specifically- _her_ emotions. Emotions, for all accounts and purposes, were not all bad. It was a very human thing, that Raven could let herself experience for a limited time. Of course, she had to set limits. If something pushed her to tears or anger she would have to stop and meditate; lest everything in a five mile radius crash inexplicably forty feet to the left. But it was almost like a guilty pleasure. A small smile for Athena's wit, a blush or eyeroll dedicated to Romeo's pleas to Juliet, and maybe even a gasp because really- is that how it ends?

Raven thought it safe in these times to let her emotions show, and as time went on it wasn't always the story that held her attention. Every kind and supportive female character was Starfire, the well-meaning comic relief was Beast Boy, the protective older brother figure was Cyborg, and every knight in shinning armor was Robin. She might not have been able to express to her friends how much she truly loved them; but when she read every story was theirs and every feeling was shared.

After Trigon, things changed. It wasn't immediate of course, Raven couldn't forget a life of training in a week, but slowly she became more emotive. She would smile at Beast Boy's lame puns, she would quietly sing Disney songs with Starfire, and she would often help Cyborg with the T-car. Her happiness grew, and everyone could see it. The only problem with this new development was that accompanying happiness was of course all her other feelings. Raven came to see that her relationship and thus feelings for Robin stretched farther than she could justify as friendship. As this realization manifested so did jealousy, sadness, and worry. Every small smile he sent some random fangirl on the side of the street made her heart sick, and that made her angry. He wasn't hers, so why should she care? She cared because Raven loved Robin, not like she loved the rest of the Titans, or even Malchior. That made her very, very scared.

Her books never hinted that feeling things all the time would be so hard. They never mentioned the downside and pure intensity emotions could and would bring. Curling back into herself seemed like the only safe option, to live as she did before. So, Raven stopped going with her friends so much, she meditated every day again, and she paid special attention to minimize her contact with Robin.

She never considered that Robin would notice.


	2. Chapter 2

I was really excited due to the response I got for the last chapter! I got inspired so I have another chapter for everyone a bit earlier than expected. I know this one might be a little bit mopey/down/emotionally draining. But remember this is a robrae fic! And while I do enjoy a bit of angst I do wish the utmost happiness most of the time. See you on the next update and please leave a review! cheers, ravennerding

He ended up cornering her about a month after her final revelation and decision to religiously give him a ridiculous amount of space. Raven had made her way down to the med bay after a scuffle the Titans had with Cinderblock downtown. It hadn't been disastrous, but she spent most of her energy healing minor injuries and exhaustion for the first responders and her teammates after the dust had cleared. Her own exhaustion had caught up to her once she set foot in the tower, but she needed to go to the med lab to care for herself first. A slight headache had turned into a migraine while she worked. A silent note to herself to be more careful, she slipped away shortly after they arrived back home.

"Are you okay?" Robin's voice broke the silence and she almost dropped the brightly colored pills she held in her palm. She steadied herself though, smiled and mumbling something about a headache she turned back around and tried to ignore him best she could. The only problem being that they had a bond and at her words Robin's confusion and hurt ran through her like a note on a plucked violin string. Over time they had become better at managing their bond, keeping their own privacy when wanted but also being able to communicate silently weather they were physically together or not. She only felt his emotions that intensely when he was completely overcome by them or broadcasting purposely to her, either option weighed on her heavily. She picked up a cup and filled it with water and washed the medication down her throat. His emotions swam around in her mind and only seemed to loosen all the feelings she wanted kept down in the depths of her brain. With a quiet sigh she turned on her heels trying to prepare some concession to calm him but suddenly she was pressed up against him and _when did he get right behind me? I didn't even hear him has he always been able to do that? _

His mask was off. That wasn't uncommon when they were alone- or it hadn't been before Raven started trying to quell her feelings. His eyes mirrored the emotions he was projection through the bond; discontent, confusion, hopelessness, _pain. _Honestly, she almost started crying right there but no she couldn't she was Raven, and Raven needed to keep control. "If you just tell me what I did to make you upset I'll apologize." he whispered so quietly if she hadn't been so incredibly close to him, she wouldn't have heard it. Robin always had the same voice when he was emotional. Raven had learned that early on in their team's run and she had always respected the controlled tone he used; it was almost like every word he said was reinforced with steel. Most times when he used that voice however, it was in front of the team and he was always wearing his mask. This time no matter the control he tried to hold his betrayed him and the juxtaposition between the two broke Raven's will to keep nonchalant about the situation. "Richard please I don't understand- she tried to reach out her hand to place on his arm (and create just a little bit of distance while still sharing this "I-am-here" type atmosphere) but he grabbed her hand before it could reach it's mark. Robin's hand enveloped hers, his body language was a contained storm of discomfort and nervousness covered barely by squared shoulders and locked jaw. "Raven," his voice cracked, " I don't know what I did to upset you. But it's physically _hurting me _to see you practically shrink back when I walk into a room." It was Raven's turn to be overbearing now, she snatched her hand from him and planted them square on his chest, causing him to stumble back slightly. "It's not your fault!" she practically screeched, "It was never your fault! I couldn't control myself and I just got so scared- the shrill ripping of fabric cut her off. One of the privacy curtains attached to the wall had just been shredded due to Raven's demonic powers. She hadn't had her powers get out of control due to her emotions since before her father had been sealed away. Robin seemed to notice this too, his shoulders dropped out of defensive position and he moved forward to hold her. When she didn't move away, he slowly gathered her up in his arms with one of his hands finding its way to stroke her hair.

They stood in silence for a while like that; slowly swaying in each other's arms his hand in her hair and her hands balled into the neoprene fabric of his suit. Sometime later -neither knew how long- Raven took a deep breath and started to speak softly again.

"I'm sorry," She started mumbling into his chest. "I never wanted to hurt your or make you think any of this was your fault. I didn't want anything to change, I just wanted to go back to the way it was before. It got to a point where I couldn't ignore what my brain was telling me however and I panicked. I just wanted the save the team the discomfort of messy teenage drama between us." She tried to read anything from the bond and whatever he had been projecting earlier was gone. He had closed the door to his mind and locked it behind him. At a different time, she might have confronted him about this, she was putting herself out in the open and he was hiding. Although that would have been extremely hypocritical of her; it was so late, she was so tired, and pushing him out had put a mental burden on her that hadn't impacted until this conversation. Raven felt his hand still in its ministrations, and she knew she had to keep going with this. Pandora's box had been opened, and there was no putting back what had already escaped. Before Robin could react negatively (or otherwise) she started to speak again. Words started to pour from her mouth frantically like fish escaping a net. "It started after we defeated my father," she stated resolute, "but soon I just got so out of control. I could feel so much, and I did. Everything was new and exciting, and every experience was a thrill! But then I started to crash; not all emotions are positive and while I was used to rejection or sadness before they carried new stings. It hurt especially coming from you, and most of the time they weren't even real offenses, just minor slights that hurt my feelings too much for my comfort. I was so confused, so I started to ask myself why it was only you and then I came to examine my feelings for you and our ehm, _relationship._" Robin hadn't let go yet, but they had stopped swaying and his back was tense again. She took a deep breath, " And then I realized, whatever I felt for you didn't stop at friendship. It started out as something I thought I could ignore or sort through with enough reflection, but it didn't!" Her voice started to raise in pitch, "Suddenly I was much too comfortable. I liked having you swing your arm around me when we were watching movies on the couch, I liked whenever you would ask me personally what I wanted to do despite the others already having suggestions, and worst of all I liked you being seemingly just as comfortable back."

Raven sighed and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, "I understand that you don't feel the same. I really wanted to avoid this but when you came in her upset I just… I had to explain." She didn't look him in the eye, she was honestly afraid that if she did, she would start crying again. Raven was just waiting for Robin's arms to release the hold they had on her, but they didn't. All she could feel was this slight vibration in his chest, a timbre that she could recognize but also didn- _was he laughing at her?_


	3. Chapter 3

I am so very sorry for the wait! I have been doing a lot of prep for the start of my senior year of high school (that starts much too soon btw) that I haven't had the time or inspiration to properly write the ending. This is the last installment of this fic, and really it probably should have all been one chapter with breaks but I couldn't write it that way so whoops. Thank you too everyone who followed and left reviews, it means a lot! I will be getting around to writing more TT and general comic fanfiction so stay tuned!

Robin was definitely laughing, the reverberations in his chest didn't stop. Despite how low his voice normally was, Robin's laugh had a youthful quality to it. What usually reminded Raven of unbridled happiness and innocence now had a mocking inflection to her ears. She pushed him off and ducked under his arm looking straight towards the door. Her face was scarlet, and her eyes were already starting to puff from the strain her tears would leave. She knew he wouldn't reciprocate but laugh at her? She never thought he would be so openly cruel to anyone, let alone her. _This is worse than my most horrible nightmare of this accursed situation_. Thoughts rapidly firing across her brain her pace quickened to where she was almost at the door. Robin caught her by the wrist, and she whirled around with the ferocity that would have sent hardened criminals crying for their mothers. "What do you think you're doing?" she raged, "You want to laugh at me some more? Do me a favor and let me leave this situation with the last shred of my dignity intact you-

Raven didn't finish her sentence. More importantly, Raven couldn't finish her sentence because Robin's lips were on hers and_ oh azar it felt perfect_. No matter the depth of description or word count no author could have explained what pure bliss this was. There were no fireworks in her chest, but there was a light behind her eyes that no other feeling could touch. She wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him closer.

There they were, practically making out in the Med Bay around 2 a.m. Raven had her hand tangled in the wispy almost-curls at the back of his neck; and Robin has resumed his swaying, this time holding her by the waist. He pulled back and Raven immediately empathized more with Juliet, for parting really was such sweet sorrow. She missed the warmth of his breath and the liquid exhilaration in her veins. Nevertheless, this wasn't over. "You know, the laughing was very unnecessary." She whispered quietly slowly swaying in his arms. "You should understand now that it wasn't meant the way it came out," he placed his chin on the top of her head, "unbelief is all it was, and believe me I'm embarrassed."

"Tell me about embarrassed when the guy you just confessed your love for guffaws at you."

"It wasn't a _guffaw_ Rae, barely a chuckle, or maybe a really low-toned giggle!"

She was the one to laugh at that one. Robin pulled her closer while gently walking his fingers up her side, "So you know that Beast Boy has evening patrol tomorrow?" Raven hummed in acknowledgment not bothering to look up. "Well Rae-Rae," he poked her gently in the stomach, "I think that would be a marvelous time for a first date."

Nicholas Sparks eat your heart out, no romance novel could ever top this moment.


End file.
